I’ve heard a lot of people say that people on the East coast are less friendly than the people they meet in the Midwest. One of my professors at Harvard who grew up in Kansas said that he didn’t think Wal-Mart would do well in the Cambridge area because they wouldn’t be able to find anyone who could cheerfully say “Welcome to Wal-Mart!” at the front door.
So what might account for the difference in friendliness between people in rural Kansas and Harvard Square? I think there is a simple explanation, and it is the same reason people don’t talk on elevators. When you get on the elevator with a bunch of people you don’t know, it is rare for anyone to talk, even if they are people you might talk to if you were in a different physical location. If you want to see what I mean, get on a crowded elevator with a bunch of strangers and try to strike up a cheery conversation. If there are just two of you, it will probably be no problem, but if the elevator is full, 9 times out of 10 it is going to be really awkward.
The difference is the amount of space you have. On an elevator, it is very enclosed and very cramped. Usually you are standing much closer to people than you would in just about any other situation. I think we don’t talk in order to create more of a sense of space by ignoring each other.
I think this is what happens in places with high-density populations. People create space by ignoring each other. It isn’t always about being rude. It is about preserving your personal space when you may not have much control over physical proximity.
If I spent an hour throwing rocks at every person I see from my deck or front porch, the chances of me hitting anyone are very slim. Everyone is just too far away. In fact, the only time I think I’d have any chance of hitting someone is if I timed my little experiment to coincide with the football team’s daily run that goes by our house. However, if I tried the same experiment from the apartment where we lived in Cambridge, it would probably take me an average of 45 seconds to bean someone day or night and that includes the fact that I have very poor accuracy throwing rocks. There are just a lot more people in a lot smaller space.
There is a guy here in town who seems to have lost the gene that makes you want to have some personal space between your face and the face of the person you are talking to. He stands way too close and subconsciously you’ll take a step back. He will literally back you into a corner. It is actually great fun to watch him talk to someone for the first time.
I do have a point that I’m trying to make here (in something of a round about way). If someone doesn’t seem friendly or doesn’t react the way you expect, look first to see if they are reacting to their environment or physical stimuli more than they are reacting to you, personally, or to your suggestion. There are people who are just plain rude and mean, but often there are nice people who are simply putting up walls or reacting to something else that you may be able to change or control.
Oh, and if you decide to try the rock-throwing experiment at home, you are on your own. I take no responsibility for anything bad that might happen.
There is a lady at my church that will step toward me while we are talking. I figured only that I only need to take a 3 inch step backward for her to figure out she is walking towards me.
Also, in small cities you can yell out someone’s name w/o sounding like to much of an idiot.
What about the workplace? I could have 10-12 people working with 10 feet of me with the cubicles nowadays. Don’t get me started on the smells.
Very interesting theory. And I agree that others may not be friendly not because they don’t like you, but because of other circumstances. Great insights.
hmm the analogy of the elevator is a good one..
I absolutely agree with this as a hypothesis. Having spent time in Japan, it’s definitely not that people in Tokyo, say, are *rude* or unfriendly, it’s just that they have conditioned themselves to block out almost all external stimuli. If you’re constantly smooshed up against people wherever you walk, on the train to work, in your office, etc… well, you have to work pretty hard to still feel like you matter in a giant sea of people.
Sorry, I dont think this one holds. I live across from Trenton in Pennsylvania. Boy is there a lot of space out here. However, the people are unfriendly and colder than on Manhattan. I come from California orginally and the folk out there are a lot nicer and friendlier, even in SF or LA, than those in NYC or Boston (Philly being a great exception).
I propose that it is a Westerner mindset, not a lack of space, that makes folk nicer. Go to Reno, Tuscon, Boise, any large city west of the Mississippi, they are all a lot nicer than the BosWash ones. Folk out there just smile more I guess.
Thanks for getting me thinking
Well there may be other reasons people are unfriendly as well. :) Maybe it is just where I’ve visited, but things seemed much more spread out in LA and SF than in Boston.
But you are right. Your upbringing and culture have a lot to do with how you interact with others.
Believe me, I’m all for being friendly and establishing a successful work environment by creating close and healthy relationships with people and co-workers. However, I do value my personal space very much. When I walk on the street or get into an elevator with people I don’t know, I don’t talk to them. I occasionally say hi or smile to the friendlier ones or acquaintances. But for the most part, I keep to myself. Sometimes due to shyness, but most times due to the preservation of my personal space, since there are just some who really do not get the concept and just invade as much of your space as they can.
Heh. A client of mine once told me of a shocking experience she’d had after moving from Manhattan to Madison, WI: She went out to get her paper one morning and a woman who was jogging by said “Hello!” to her. Threw her for a loop & she was pretty sure the jogging woman had some mental issues until she realized … everyone did that sort of thing in the Midwest.
Nice post. Such a difference is evident here in Britain as well. Wales (where I’m from) is very friendly, everyone knows everyone and its a highly friendly environment but in England, the opposite is true.
Personally, I think it has something to do with the crime rate. When I lived in New Orleans, it was basic self-defense to keep to yourself and not talk to strangers in public. I’m very introverted toward people I don’t know and I can’t stand the fact that people seem to be losing respect for personal space in public spaces like grocery stores and malls. I was even mugged in a police officer’s drive way. My shrink says I come by my paranoia by experience.
When I moved to Maine, I was surprised by the low crime rate and how friendly the neighbors are. I’m not saying people wave to each other as they drive by like they do where my parents live in New Mexico, but the kids play outside here and I had a total stranger show me her grand-daughter’s photos in an elevator last Friday…which is why I usually climb the stairs — I’m still a little too Nawlins to feel comfy with that talking in the elevator thing. :P
Interesting perspective. I wonder if talkative people tend to lower the crime rate. If I talk to my neighbors a lot, I’m more likely to notice if someone is taking their stuff or something looks suspicious around their house.